10 Great Years & More…

Today is my husband’s birthday (Happy Birthday Hubs!) and tomorrow is my 10th wedding anniversary! We are so completely different yet I’m so amazed at how God has put us together, in such a complimentary way. He has been my mentor, my friend, my blind spot detector, my advisor and iron. Yes, iron because as iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.

But what’s the big deal about 10 years? Because there is a special name for it – a decade! Years 1 to 9 are called just that. But a DECADE! Seriously, a decade has gone by so fast and I dare say that our relationship has grown stronger through our time spent, conversations, disagreements, birth of and raising of our kids, etc. It’s been nothing less than an adventure.

I’ve been pretty excited about planning and spending a day with him since it’s a milestone year in marriage. It has also been a while since we went on a date, especially after I stopped having a domestic helper. I’ve been cracking my brains on how I can surprise him with a romantic gesture, but it’s been tough since this is something I’m not very good at. We thought we’d take a day off from work to spend quality time together. So with our work leave applied and approved and care arrangement for our kids settled, I was looking forward to our special day. Then last week, he said that there was urgent work to clear and he could only take the afternoon off. I was disappointed at first because that meant a change in plans and less time for our date. Then I remembered to apply one of the many lessons I’ve learnt in my 10-year marriage – Be adaptable!
In fact, marriage teaches one many things and it raises one up to be a better person if both parties work at it. So, I’ve decided to make a top 10 list of things I’ve learnt in the last decade of my marriage. Here goes:

1. Don’t nag. It really doesn’t work.
2. Speak words of affirmation to him, in front of him, and behind his back.
3. Learn to relax. Don’t be a ‘kanjiong spider’.
4. Focus on his strengths and all the good things he has done. And give thanks for that.
5. Aim to be a better person for him.
6. Don’t nag. Yes, it’s worthy of mention again.
7. Let him lead. Don’t do everything yourself and think you have to do everything yourself.
8. Listen, listen listen.
9. Make time to communicate.
10. Pray for him.

By the end of this blog, I’ve got a brain wave for my surprise gift. And I’m still looking forward to a great date with him and more to come.

Date with Dad

February 11, 2012 was Valentine’s Day weekend. This was also my daughter’s first-ever date and I was her special date at the Focus on the Family’s Date with Dad event. They host this annual high tea for teenage girls and their fathers.

I even got an info pack a week beforehand with an attached printable invite for my daughter. I printed it out in color and placed it on my daughter’s desk after I wrote her name on the invite. Later I saw this invite pasted on her wall.

My wife had told me that our daughter who is normally clad casually in jeans and T-shirt did not have a dress. So a month earlier my wife went shopping to buy a dress for her just for this special occasion. Two of her colleagues even volunteered to help shop with her.

On Saturday, Deborah looked really pretty in her new floral dress. My wife also helped me pick a nice shirt that would match her dress.

Our pre-booked taxi arrived but I forgot to open the car door for Deborah. Upon arriving at the Regent Hotel, I redeemed my lack of chivalry earlier and opened the door for my date!

Deborah and I walked to our table and I remembered to help her with the chair :)  We talked to the other 3 father-daughter pairs at our table and discovered that one dad had previously attended the same event with his older daughter. He was attending now with his younger daughter. I noticed that the participants and those who volunteered to serve at this event were all genuinely glad to be here.

This was indeed a high-quality event – the photo shoot for every father-daughter pair was very nicely done; a pair of teddy bears with a stalk of rose sat on our seats along with a goody bag; a table setting complete with Date with Dad colors and look; a professionally decorated stage and all the various meticulous details certainly set the stage and atmosphere for the program that followed.

Both the on-stage and off-stage games were fun and light-hearted. The quizzes were hilarious! The pack of questions helped us get into heart conversation. The letter writing to each other was helpful in bonding. The Father’s Pledge and the purity ring presentation were so special.

Thank you to Focus on the Family for this amazing afternoon. I am sure that the other 123 pairs of dads and daughters feel the same. For me, this day felt like a celebration of my relationship with Deborah. My daughter will definitely remember this date and the memories from this event are etched deeply in her heart. Just this morning, she showed me that stalk of rose from the event and my Date with Dad invite to her is still on her wall. What a daughter! What a date!

This week’s post is contributed by Ben KC Lee who was one of the Father-Daughter participants at FOTFS’ Date with Dad held on Feb 11, 2012.

Maidless in Singapore

She is someone I have come to depend on a great deal! Perhaps more than I should. Hence her absence was acutely felt and sorely missed throughout the day when I saw clothes piling up in the laundry basket, toys strewn on the floor, dishes in the sink unwashed. The person I am referring to is my domestic helper. She was recently back in her home country on annual home leave. Oh those 14 days seemed like forever to me!

Every day I would jump out of bed to get breakfast for my kids, do the laundry, hang up the clothes, cook lunch, wash the dishes, tidy up the house, vacuum the floor, fix dinner, clean up, mop the floor, bathe the girls and get them ready for bed. In between all of these chores, I had to attend to an active tot and do my writing assignments from home! Thankfully my 8-year-old -daughter is independent and not needing my constant attention. But I am pricked by guilt now and then for not spending as much time with her as I’d like. Sigh… the trap of a working mom trying to find work-life balance. But I consider myself a little more fortunate than other working moms because I work from home. Thanks to the family-friendly organization – Focus on the Family – I am on a part-time, flexi-work-hour arrangement that allows me to do my writing from the comfort of my abode. For that reason, I am able to be home with my kids and organize my working hours around my family needs. Well, the down side is I have never been able to finish a piece of assignment at one sitting and without interruption. Five minutes into my writing, my 21-month-old daughter could have climbed up the piano top or made her way into the washing machine. I also need to keep an eye on her to prevent her from licking soap powder (yes, the one for washing clothes!!!). To look on the brighter side (and help keep me sane), there’s never a dull moment at home. Anyway, I digressed.

During those 2 weeks of my helper’s absence, I would collapse in my bed every night after trying to do a thousand and one things in the day (ok, maybe not that many, just a thousand!). My husband and I would spend some time talking and praying together. We discussed about how life had been without domestic help. Our parents and grandparents used to rear a brood of 10 or more and did everything without a live-in maid!!! How they did they do that?! My husband and I concluded that it has everything to do with perceptions and expectations, imposed on us by others or by ourselves. We, like many other Singaporean families, live in a fast-paced and stressful society where efficiency is highly prized. Everything must be fast and flawless. We frown upon “inefficiency”. This culture we adopt at the workplace has also crept into our homes. For that reason, we have become too reliant on external help (foreign domestic workers) because we want everything in its “proper place” and completed as fast as possible.

When we were in Oxford, England in June this year, we stayed with our English couple friends who have 3 small children below the age of five and another on the way. Their house was perpetually messy and dirty (according to our standard) but they and their kids were cheerful, easy-going and a delight to be with. Whenever I look at my messy house these days, I (or my husband) would remind me of our friends in Oxford. It is about perceptions /expectations and managing them instead of letting them overwhelm us. But I did heave a BIG sigh of relief on the day of my helper’s return! 

My Father, My Hero!

Just a couple of days ago, we celebrated my father’s 50^th birthday. This year, instead of just having our usual family dinner, we added something extra special!

We wanted to include as many people as possible without having to throw a huge party for a rather private person. So for a surprise, my mother and I collected messages from people from various parts of my father’s life – church, family, childhood and work. And to keep it all a secret, all communication and preparation had to be done on my laptop instead of the family computer (My mum got something out of all this preparation too. She learnt how to use a Mac!).

It was fun trying to keep everything a secret, with some of my father’s friends getting somewhat overly excited. It definitely wasn’t easy dealing with people coming up to my mom or me asking how the celebration went or is coming along when my father was standing right there! And some even wished him a “happy birthday” a little too early because they misunderstood my email! But overall, my father enjoyed getting so many wishes over the course of the past few weeks, even though most of the wishes came on the wrong day.

The messages were a way of appreciating him. It was also to honor my father – by showing him that he has indeed been a blessing not just to us, his family but many others as well.

As I looked back on the preparation leading up to D-Day, the influence that my father has had on the people around him is obvious.

In my father’s long…no, short lifetime so far (OK Papa, you’re still very young), he has been a positive influence although he did ruffle some people here and there. Here are some notes that people have written about him,

 “A source of inspiration, support and kindness to all who know him”

“A joy to have around”, “Such a joker”

“A COURAGEOUS Leader, Teacher and a Good Father”

“A very lovable and genuine guy”

Observing his response (huge smiles and positive comments) as he read each message on the PowerPoint slides, I’m glad that we collated these messages for him. Even big and strong fathers can do with encouragement from time to time.

Have you appreciated your loved one lately? If not, all it takes is a word or two to put a smile on that person’s face

Chinese New Year Tradition

We recently asked people on our Focus on the Family Facebook page to share their favorite Chinese New Year family tradition. Apart from one not-so-polite remark, the rest shared of food, fun and family time.

A colleague remarked that CNY for us is akin to Thanksgiving or Christmas in the States. One common thing all these holidays share is not so much the festivity but the recognition of the importance of family.

Well, I had a number of firsts this Chinese New Year:

1.       We had an unintended Chinese New Year “movie reunion”.

A friend’s friend had block-booked a movie screening of Courageous after having watched and been moved by the movie. I thought I’d helped promote the movie by getting my immediate family some tickets. At the end of the day, I had taken a total of 17 tickets for our parents, siblings and their spouses. It was the first time my husband’s mother was meeting my sister’s husband of slightly over a year. My mother hadn’t seen my step-sister-in-law since her firstborn turned 2; she’s now expecting her 4th child. My father hadn’t been to the cinema to watch a show for possibly more than 30 years. It was an unlikely reunion.

2.       We had the largest Chinese New Year reunion dinner since we got married.

Reunion dinners usually take place at my husband’s grandmother’s house – also his childhood home and where we spent the first year of our married life. For the first time, we were joined by his elder sister and her family, who didn’t have a reunion dinner with her husband’s family; my father-in-law and his remarried family who happened to be in town for the New Year; as well as an aunt-in-law who lives in New Zealand and typically doesn’t visit over CNY.

3.       We took a family trip on the first 2 days of Chinese New Year.

We’d never been away for Chinese New Year. “Chu Yi” (first day of Chinese New Year) is typically spent having lunch at my grandmother-in-law’s place – the pit stop for all the aunts/uncles/cousins on my husband’s side, followed by a string of visitations on my own relatives. This year my sister-in-law invited us to join her family on a short getaway to Bintan. It was an opportunity for my son to spend some time playing with his closest boy cousin, without the usual rush to finish up dinner and get home in time for bed and school the following day.

Apart from too much sun and each of us fighting off something or other that we appeared to be coming down with, it was a good time of food, fun and family time. My sister-in-law whipped up her trademark pesto pasta in the villa’s kitchenette. My son had his first attempt at reverse bungy (which he’s likely not to repeat – but for which we’re proud that he was brave enough to try!) and walking on water in the zorb ball. My husband and I caught The Three Idiots on TV – our first Hindi film.

Most significantly, we spent time talking and catching up in an unhurried manner – including a discussion over breakfast on our values and beliefs.

Perhaps all of this could become a yearly affair…

Caring for the Courageous

Inspired by the movie, Courageous, I’ve been making some personal observation about the women behind Courageous men whom I personally know.

In the words of the producers, “Hollywood produces movies to entertain and make money at the box office. Courageous was made to change lives.” The movie has the potential to change the family climate and it is certainly changing the lives of not only the men but the wives as well.

It takes a Courageous man to answer the call and fully resolve to stay committed to a standard above mediocrity and be more than just a “good enough” father and/or husband.

I realized that he can’t do it alone. The Courageous man is not immune to the challenges, discouragement and temptations that abound when he devotes himself to making and keeping commitments that will bring him and his family all the blessings and joy.

Author Kay Arthur puts it so aptly – that one of the greatest fears that dominate husbands in particular, is the fear of being found inadequate.

After being married for almost 20 years and learning from many other marriages, I’ve ascertained that a wife is the best person to help alleviate this fear. It comes down to my three “As” – my Attention, my Admiration and my Affirmation.

It is not often articulated, but my husband desires to know more than anything that I trust him and that I believe in him. He is fulfilled when he senses that despite his inadequacies, I see the possibilities and potential God has given him; I recognize and support his divinely wired role as the leader and provider of our family.

Being that voice of support, confidence and encouragement is a morale booster to him. It quells the continual struggle against any sense of inadequacy that smolders inside of him.

The truth is that I’ve not always been that voice. I recall the earlier years of our marriage – I was so naturally quick to criticize and correct my husband’s actions. There were times when I felt justified in what I said because I think that’s the way he ought to feel about himself after what he’s done or not done! Nothing can be more damaging and destructive to him and to me and the entire family. It took me quite a while though to realize what was happening.

Our men aren’t perfect. Neither are they delusional, they know it too even if they are not quick to admit it. But just like you and me, he is not to be defined by his imperfections. Sure there are times for talking plainly and honestly about things he needs to improve and watch out for. But I’ve learned my lesson that it will go a long way for me to choose wisely what I say, how I say and when to say.

Our cutting, nagging comments can wound him deeply, especially when any disapproval and resentment are unresolved and accumulated over time. It makes him feel belittled and insignificant, beaten down and discouraged. What we think of as no more than a little jab about a specific incident becomes a stabbing wound that can leave a hole in his heart.

Yet equally powerful are our simple, honest, even casual compliments.  When we make it our resolution to remind them of the potential and possibility that lies within them – not because we are patronizing or manipulating them but because we truly believe it – they feel on top of the world. This is one sure way to care for the Courageous.

I trust that the unwavering assurance of my support and devotion will inspire him to greater things than he’s proven capable of before, breakthroughs that would bring forth a richer blessing and depth of relationships to our family.

Indeed I can say that “My husband is a rich man because he has a strong faith, children who love him and a wife who adores him.”

“To my husband, Ben – my resolution is to be faithful to you and honor you in my conduct and conversation, help you reach your God-given potential and to serve you well as a wife and to be the kind of woman who truly blesses her man. I pray that when the curtain closes on my time here on earth, you will be able to confidently say that I was a woman of resolution.”

Wedding Rings

When the man handed back our rings to us, they were so shiny that we could barely recognize them. I held mine in my hand for a while, trying to read the inscription I knew was on the inside of the ring, to also ensure I was putting it on the right way. But it just gleamed back at me such that I could hardly make out the words.

For a split moment, I felt the girlish excitement of being married once again. Then human nature hit and I turned to my husband and said insidiously, “You see, this is what you should have done for our 10^th anniversary.” We could potentially have started a fight there and then.

As we walked out of the jewelry shop, I realized that what I was expecting was some romance. In that brief moment of collecting our rings, I had somehow envisaged my typically spontaneous husband holding onto my ring, asking me again for my hand, lovingly placing the ring on my finger and saying, “I marry you again. And every day of our lives!”

Even better that it would have been done in front of others – embarrassing oneself in order to express one’s love has a romantic ring to it; that willingness to devote love at your own expense is like saying, “I love you so much I’d lay down my life (aka my pride) for you”! Instead, what happened was more like, “Nah, here’s your ring. See, isn’t it shiny? Now put it back on.”

I learned in this very brief experience how intricately romance and spontaneity are linked. Romance is when, in the spur of the moment, your lover does something nice for or to you that’s unexpected. The surprise element arises because it catches you unaware, such as:

• Receiving flowers at your office from your spouse, out of the blue and for no reason      at all – not even as a gesture of apology or to set the mood for intimacy that night.
• Coming home to a house that’s been cleaned and tidied up without your knowledge.
• Hearing the sound of your favorite music as you exit the bathroom after washing up for the night (even though your spouse doesn’t believe in having the music on when you go to bed). Better yet, to have a quick romantic dance in the bedroom before retiring to bed.
• Having your favorite snack produced out of nowhere when settling down with your      spouse for a bout of TV watching.
• Being stopped in the middle of the walkway or mall by your spouse who takes you in his arms and kisses you in public, just as if you were in Paris!

(*I hope my husband’s getting the hint…!!!)

After 10 years of marriage, I’ve learned to stop simply pointing the finger at my spouse. What is more productive is to ask myself what I can learn. Undoubtedly, I would have to ask myself when was the last time I did something romantic for my husband. If you’re anything like me, you probably can’t remember! But if you do, write me!!!