Fostering brings with it many joys, but also many challenges. One should only decide to foster after much careful consideration, so here are some things to keep in mind if you are considering foster care.
Fostering is made possible not only by the families who choose to care for these children, but also by the community that rallies around them to provide help and support in a number of ways. You may not be ready to foster a child right now, but there is plenty you can do to make their journey as a new family smoother and more enriching.
No matter how strong the foster family is, or how they’ve got everything under control, they still need a trusted group of people to be there for them in this journey of fostering.
Be a listener. There will be days when the parents feel overwhelmed or discouraged. Be there to listen to their anxieties, longings and frustrations, allowing them a safe space to share any pent-up emotions.
Be an encourager. Drop a note of encouragement via a phone call, message, or handwritten card. Let them know that they are doing a wonderful job simply by giving a child a loving and secure home.
Be a companion. Sometimes all the family needs is the presence of friends who care. Offer to accompany them while they look after the child at home or when they have to go for checkups or appointments.
Celebrate milestones and successes. A proud parent will naturally want to boast about the child’s accomplishments, be it when he starts to walk, wins a competition or graduates from school. Rejoice with them and congratulate them on these achievements, no matter how small.
Taking care of a new addition to the family round the clock can take a toll on the parents, so giving them an opportunity to take a well-deserved break every now and then can be much appreciated.
Be a stay-in babysitter. Offer to stay over for a few days so the family can take a short holiday. This would invariably mean you should already have a good relationship with the child, where he feels safe and comfortable with you.
Babysit for the day. You could also volunteer to look after the child during the day. Taking over typical parenting responsibilities like feeding the child, putting him to sleep or helping with his homework can make a big difference.
Take the child for outings. You don’t necessarily have to babysit at home – occasionally taking the child out would be fun and beneficial too. Be it to the zoo, the park or just the playground, children of any age usually enjoy exploring new places and getting out of the house. This way, the parents will get some downtime for themselves, too.
Families who decide to foster are usually mentally prepared for the added responsibility, but the daily grind of household activities and child-minding duties can still overwhelm. Serving the family in small, practical ways can go a long way.
Bake or cook for them. Though buying food from the nearby coffee shop doesn’t take a lot of time, nothing beats a home-cooked meal made with love. Cook a meal (or meals) for them to enjoy in the comfort of their own home, or bake some cookies for the child’s birthday party or simply to brighten up their day.
Help around the house. Does the family need help with washing the never-ending pile of clothes, cleaning the toilet, or mopping the floor? Offer to do these daily household chores for them so that they have one less concern to think about.
Provide tuition for free. Tuition is an additional expense that some families struggle to afford, so offering to tutor the child free-of-charge would be much appreciated. This will also allow you to build a relationship with the child, opening the door for you to provide help in other ways.
Family expenses will definitely increase, especially if the child has existing medical conditions or special needs. Other than offering physical help, you can also provide for the families’ material needs.
Support them financially. If accepting cash may raise several questions for the foster family as to the reason for the gift, giving vouchers for the purchase of specific items like groceries, books or stationary might be a better option. Alternatively, offer to sponsor certain needs, like the installation of window grilles for their home.
Donate required items. Help obtain items that you know the family needs for their new child, such as a baby crib or school bag. Brand-new purchases aren’t always a must – you could source them second-hand or even pass them your hand-me-downs, so long as they are of acceptable condition.
Shop for them. With an additional child to look after, time to do even simple grocery shopping can be scarce. Ask them for a list of household items and foodstuff they require and make the trip to the supermarket to get those items on their behalf.
These are just some of the little ways you can play your part to care and support the many children in need of foster care. Every little act of kindness matters, as we collectively become the “village” that raises a child.
When you say something encouraging to your teen (or tween even, for that matter), does it feel like water off a duck’s back? Despair not, for your words matter. In fact, one of the 5 Love Languages is Words of Affirmation. Remember that your words have a lasting impact on your children. Here are 3 areas that we can focus on when speaking words of affirmation to our children:
+ Character
When your child demonstrates positive traits such as honesty, generosity and kindness, highlight their actions and praise their character. Such compliments will encourage them and spur them on to continue doing good.
+ Contributions, big or small
Simple things, such as the older sibling helping to pack up the younger one’s toys, may not seem important. However, by acknowledging and appreciating their efforts, it reinforces the message that what they do matters.
+ Courage
In a world that seems so big, trying and doing new things can be daunting. Applaud their courage for trying new things, and cheer them on as they do so. Having Dad and Mum’s support is reassuring, and means more to them than you would know.
My husband and I were driving the kids to school one morning. We were in a middle of a conversation when my 3-year-old son suddenly shouted, “Stop talking!” It turned out that his favourite song had come on and he couldn’t hear it over our voices.
I chuckled, and was tempted to shrug off his cute outburst. But instead, I seized that teachable moment to explain that what he just did was disrespectful. Then I had him repeat after me, “Excuse me, Papa and Mama, I cannot hear the music.”
Children are naturally self-centred, and respect for others is not instinctive. Neither is respect easily defined in words. Here are some ways we teach our young ones respect:
Demonstrate respectful behaviour
Our children are watching us all the time – we are their first and most important role models. So there’s no better place to teach respect than in the home. Do children see their dad and mum speaking kindly and being considerate to each other? Do they see us working as a team in taking care of the home?
When speaking to my children, I try to be mindful of my tone of voice, not to talk down to them, snap at them or shout. I also try my best to listen attentively when they have something to tell me, no matter how trivial it may seem. It is also important to validate their feelings with words of affirmation and encouragement.
Set ground rules
This will differ between each household. Some of mine include:
When rules are broken, appropriate consequences should be delivered. The key is to be consistent – you can’t enforce a rule one day and let it slide the next day.
Give children the words for good manners
In our household, we start our requests with “May I”. For example, “Mom, may I please have more juice?” or “May I please play with your toy?” This really helps a young child verbalise his thoughts, rather than whine or cry. I also teach my children to greet elders with the appropriate terms, such as “auntie” and “uncle”, and to look them in the eye when saying hello or goodbye.
Practice showing respect to others
I take my kids to visit their great-grandmother at the nursing home regularly. I encourage them to chat with her and give hugs. She is wheelchair-bound so they take turns to push her out to the garden or the common area to watch TV. This teaches them that everyone deserves respect, regardless of age or capabilities.
So, back to our car ride to school. Shortly after my son’s favourite song was over, my husband and I continued talking again. Lo and behold, we heard a sweet voice…
“Excuse me, Papa and Mama, I cannot hear the music.”
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LJ and her husband have been married 7 years and have three delightful children. They keep the romance alive by putting the children to bed early and listening to their favourite playlist of 90’s love songs.
Full cascading hair, narrow face structure, almond-shaped eyes, and Angelina Jolie’s famous full lips – these are the ideal features of a beautiful woman. Or are they?
A recent survey found that one in three Singaporean youths feel it is perfectly acceptable to go for cosmetic procedures at their age. According to Dr Frederick Lukash, a New York plastic surgeon interviewed by The New York Times, many youths “do it to fit in.”
Images of ‘perfect’ men and women on advertisements and social media subtly influence us into thinking we need a specific product in order to look appealing. What youths are not consciously aware of is that many of these images today are edited computer composites.
Youths are at the phase in their lives where they are discovering their identities and are susceptible to conforming to society’s pervasive ideal values and beauty standards. Hence, it is hardly surprising that many of them believe it is not wrong to undergo plastic surgery as a ‘corrective measure’ in order to gain recognition from others or just to look ‘normal’.
It is unfortunate that many youths feel great dissatisfaction over their looks.
In our role as parents, guardians, relatives, mentors, teachers or friends, our role is not merely to shelter our next generation from negative influences that affect their sense of self-worth, but also to help them develop strong, positive values that can strengthen their self-esteem. We can do this by:
To quote Zoe Kravitz, an American actress and model: “Beauty is when you can appreciate yourself. When you love yourself, that’s when you’re most beautiful.” Let’s be there to sincerely say to our youths, “You are beautiful even when you think you aren’t, and I love you for who you are.”
Editor’s note: Are you curious to know what youths think about plastic surgery? We asked an undergraduate to pen her thoughts, and her unique yet heartwarming perspective is definitely worth reading. Keep a look out for it this Saturday!
Focus on your Family 